Monday, November 29, 2010

R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen

He was a legendary comic actor and part of the greatest achievement in cinematic history. Surely, he will be missed.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Assclown Blames God For Dropped Pass, Hilarity Ensues

After Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson dropped a perfect pass (while wide the overtime...for the win), he tweeted the following message:


Barring the sheer stupidity of the comment, I do have a small amount of appreciation for the fact that someone has taken a concept that was almost surely used in some form of satire at some time and turned it into a literal reality. However, when one breaks down the tweet, it becomes apparent that Stevie Johnson has no one to blame but himself:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!
If Johnson had taken some time out of his praise schedule to practice, he might have caught the pass on game day.

At a minimum, Johnson should have used a mixture of question marks and exclamation points here as he did after “HOW”. I don’t have any specific comment here except to refer back to my response to “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!”.

I think that God, along with everyone else, expected Johnson to catch the football.

Here, I agree with Johnson that philosophical speculation into the teleological implications of dropping a pass may not yield any useful information. However, there is something that Johnson can learn, namely how to catch a football, that will benefit him in the future. For more on this I again refer back to my response to “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!”.


See previous response.

In a seemingly dangerous comment, Johnson appears to be sarcastically deriding God for making him drop the pass. However, if God indeed caused Johnson to drop the pass, it is already evident (and completely understandable after reading this tweet) that God hates Stevie Johnson.

So there you have it, Stevie Johnson. Either you are a complete assclown or God hates you. Congratulations.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Milky Way is Blowing Bubbles

I recently read the article Mysterious Structures Balloon From Milky Way’s Core from National Geographic. Toward the end of the article, Princeton astrophysicist David Spergel states that “further studies will be required to get at the true nature of the energy source blowing the bubbles.” Well, I’ve done the additional studies and am now prepared to accept the requisite praise and/or monetary compensation for my efforts.

Upon reading the article, several questions immediately came to mind: What’s going on here? What are the implications for our galaxy? Did the Mayans predict this? I’m not sure about the first two questions, but regarding the third, I’m reasonably certain that if I rummaged through a bunch of Mayan artifacts I could find an engraving resembling some bubbles and make the necessary inferences to get to ‘yes’.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel like writing Mayan Bubbleocalypse: Prelude to Whatever is Supposed to Happen in 2012, so I’ve decided to consider alternate theories.

Theory #1: Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga is the El Niño of our time when it comes to de facto explanations for baffling phenomena. While she is almost certainly an extra terrestrial, there are some major drawbacks to this theory. The most evident is the lack of onlookers at the core of the Milky Way. I mean, the woman wore a meat dress on national television. No, the core of the Milky Way is not an attractive destination for someone fitting the description of recording artist/attention seeker.

While this photo appears to offer damning evidence, 
there are some major drawbacks to the Gaga theory.

Theory #2: Galactic Bubble Bath

I don’t have any ‘evidence’ for this one per se, but you have to admit that it sounds intriguing. “At the center of our galaxy...a world of fun and cleanliness awaits...prepare yourself...for a bubble bath...of truly cosmic proportions. Galactic Bubble Bath - coming to theaters this summer.”

Theory #3: Scientists are making the whole thing up.

You think I’m crazy? Think about it, whenever a scientist makes some kind of hypothesis, who checks it out to see if it’s legit? That’s right - other scientists! Face it people, these nerds can pull one over on us any time they feel like it.

And why wouldn’t they? From their perspective they’re looking at infinite upside. They get to sit around coming up with the craziest ideas they can and then laugh at us when we buy into their machinations. Meanwhile, everyone is like, “Oh wow, look at this new discovery that John Q. Scientist discovered with his awesome brain and so forth.”

Give me a break! I’m on to you, scientists, and now so is everyone who reads this. Admittedly, the traffic on this blog is such that I feel the scientists will be able to get away with their nefarious schemes for the foreseeable future, but at least I’ve done my part to stop their shenanigans!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Chia Obama: Heralding a New Frontier in Human Consciousness

I just saw a commercial for "Chia Obama". If you're wondering, Chia Obama is in fact a Barack Obama inspired chia pet. To be honest, I haven't fully assimilated the significance of this phenomenon.

Chia Obama comes in both "happy" and "determined" varieties, although the seemingly more appropriate "Oh-my-God-what's-happening-to-me-there-are-plants-growing-out-of-my-head-please-someone-help-me terrified" Obama is not available.

As I watched the commercial, my mind exploded from the bizarre convergence of disparate information. After opening with images of American flags and enthusiastic crowds set to the familiar chants of "Yes we can!" the commercial suddenly introduces the equally familiar, yet completely out of place jingle of "ch-ch-ch-chia!". The impact was so jarring that I must now give legitimate consideration to the idea that I am writing this post in an alternate universe. In a previous post, I mentioned Terence McKenna's concept of human novelty ending in 2012. At the time, the idea seemed crazy, but after encountering Chia Obama, I'm beginning to understand.

Witness the madness first hand

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Baffling Internet Phenomenon of the Day

Today’s baffling internet phenomenon (henceforth referred to as “BIP”) comes from a likely source. In fact, Youtube is quite possibly the epicenter of BIPs. While I’m sure you’ve already thought of some choice videos, sometimes the comments overshadow the inanity of the videos themselves. Such is the case with the following example.

The video in question is entitled “Christopher Hitchens Farts on Live Television! Ewww!” uploaded by JQisAwesome. Now, I fully acknowledge the entertainment value of people farting on live television. I also acknowledge the marked increase in entertainment value that occurs if the person in question is British (although I’m not sure how dual-citizenship status factors into the overall comedic weighting).

HOWEVER, none of this has anything to do with why this clip was selected as the BIP of the day. The really interesting thing here is the fact that JQisAwesome has an inordinately strong desire to establish the legitimacy of the clip. I refer you to his comment:
Many people think this is FAKE. Here are 5 other clips from the same broadcast. If anyone can find me a clip without the fart noise, I will send you 1,000 dollars via Paypal. Seriously.






It's real!!!!!!!!!!

First of all,

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, just consider the adamant, if not maniacal, conviction of JQisAwesome. And remember, this is all in reference to a mere fart captured on television:
  • He makes use of caps lock and exclamation point spamming.
  • He includes no less than five links (which aren’t actually clickable links - thanks for forcing me to copy and paste, JQ!) to duplicate videos.
  • He explicitly references the seriousness of the matter when the implicit seriousness is readily felt by all who read his words.
and to top it all off...
  • The psychopath offers 1,000 US dollars to anyone who can produce a video of the interview sans farting noise.
    Truly, this is a baffling Internet phenomenon. By the way, do you have any comment on this issue Mr. Hitchens?

    Thursday, July 29, 2010

    Yet Another Entertaining Non-Headline From TMZ

    I recently saw the following blurb on their website:

    Amar'e Stoudemire -- I MIGHT Be Jewish ...

    Don't break out the Manischewitz just yet ... TMZ has learned NBA superstar Amar'e Stoudemire has not found concrete evidence that proves he comes from Jewish lineage ... but he's definitely looking. 

Stoudemire's agent tells us, "I know there are some reports that he is Jewish, but he is not.  He thinks there may be some Jewish blood on his mother's side and he is researching it."

 Amar'e -- who just signed a $100 million contract with the NY Knicks -- is currently vacationing in Israel, where he's learning Hebrew and "studying the religions there."

    In addition to the baffling irrelevance of the headline, one has to marvel at the phenomenon of news that contains no information. Consider the opening statement: “TMZ has learned NBA superstar Amar’e Stoudemire has not found concrete evidence that proves he comes from Jewish lineage.” I’ve heard it said that you can’t prove a negative, but can you report one? Apparently, the answer is yes.

    I wonder if Lebron James has not been to the movies lately? Perhaps TMZ should get on that. While they’re at it, they may want to follow up on rumors that Angelina Jolie is not currently involved in a high speed chase. After all, in today’s world the absence of actual news shouldn’t prevent you from randomly throwing out headlines (or blog posts...).

    Friday, April 23, 2010

    Mona Lisa + Duck Hunt

    Yes, Virginia, there is an ad called “Mona Lisa Duck”.

    I know this because I received an email today proclaiming the existence of said ad with the following message:

    Dear Sir/Madam,

    I am writing to inform you about our last press release regarding the first spot for the promotion of the Videogame culture made by AIOMI, the Italian Association for the Multimedia Interactive Works. I would be grateful if you could advertise and publish it on your press media and spread it with your contacts.

    Dear AIOMI,

    If by “publish it on your press media” you mean “post a link on your blog” then yes, I would be happy to do so. Of course, you must understand that in this context “spreading it with my contacts” means that sometime in the distant future, a single drunken music fan may stumble across the link in an attempt to find information about the band Sublime. Note that I use the word “may” because it’s unlikely that the person would actually find this website.


    "When in doubt, just grab the gun and start shooting." - George Bernard Shaw

    That being said, I really do like this ad for the following reasons:

    1) I have fond memories of playing Duck Hunt on the NES.
    2) I have fantasies about walking into a museum with a Glock and shooting up priceless works of art.
    3) I’m Italian.*

    *This is false.

    Mona Lisa Duck
    Enjoy! (Godano!)

    Monday, April 19, 2010

    Online Hate Speech Is Awesome

    I recently read an article entitled Racism and homophobia in gaming: Hate speech corrodes online video game experiences. The first mistake I noticed is that the author used the word ‘corrodes’ instead of the word ‘enhances’. Secondly, it’s important to note that the vast cornucopia of racist, homophobic, xenophobic and sexist language to which the article refers is not confined to online gaming, but is rather an essential component of online interaction in general.

    In fact, via some bizarre law of human nature, 99% (my estimation) of Internet conversation will eventually devolve into a communal rage-fest based on one of the following themes:

    1) Your race is inferior to mine
    2) Your religion is evil
    3) Your country is evil
    4) Your political views are synonymous with those held by Adolph Hitler
    5) You are gay

    Hitler, the über-reference in political feuds

    Additionally, one will find a healthy dose of sexually explicit commentary littered around the Internet regardless of the original topic of discussion.

    With all this in mind, let’s return to the world of online gaming. Considering the fact that people will launch into obscenity-filled tirades in response to something as benign as a Youtube video of someone making fruit salad, you can only imagine the extreme levels of hatred and anger that arise from heated online competition. In fact, you don’t have to imagine anything because the article lays it out:

    One gamer told an opponent he presumed to be Jewish that he wished Hitler had succeeded in his mission. Many exchanges involve talk of rape or exult over the atomic bombing of Japan. There are frequent slurs on homosexuals, Asians, Hispanics and women.

    Sounds like a good time to me! I can’t imagine why this kind of speech would be frowned upon, but apparently some people are not cool with it:

    "Personally, I don't do a lot of online gaming for that reason," said Flynn DeMarco, founder of the Web site, which has worked with Microsoft and other companies on steps to clean up online gaming.

    No offense dude, but your website sounds kind of gay. At any rate, these psychotic gamers are adding an element of realism that hasn’t been acknowledged. For example, imagine you’re playing a World War II themed shooter. With all these people yelling anti-Semitic insults, it’s like you’re actually in Nazi Germany.

    Even if the hate speech doesn’t match the environment of the game being played, it still adds that extra little bit of entertainment. In a society where political correctness is sometimes pursued to an absurd degree, it’s somehow ironically satisfying to enter a chaotic world filled with deranged psychopaths freely yelling out every manner of slur imaginable.

    Taking things a step further, many people actually record videos of angry gamers flipping out and post these online, where they inevitably spawn more meaningless and frequently offensive commentary. It’s like a delicious layer cake of rage, hilarity, stupidity and frivolity.

    In summary, the world on online gaming is similar to the Mos Eisley spaceport from Star Wars. In the words of Obi-Wan, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Both areas are places filled with intolerance and violence, but they also hold quite a bit of entertainment value for visitors.

    Sunday, April 18, 2010

    Random Low-Content Post

    Greetings, people who read this blog. I thought about addressing all two of you via handwritten letters, but ultimately I thought this would be easier. I'm putting up a new post tomorrow, but for now I just wanted to share my groundbreaking dance remix of John Cage's landmark work 4'33". Hope you enjoy it!

    4'33" (DJ Psychospaz Galactic Dance Party Mix)

    Saturday, April 10, 2010


    Background: I write articles for Demand Studios. They have an image database that writers can use to find pictures for their articles. The results of image searches are sometimes bizarre.

    These are the first three images that come up when you search for ‘online’ in the Demand Studios image database at the time of this writing:

    Besides the fact that they have virtually nothing to do with the search term, they are quite disturbing in and of themselves. Seeing these images, I couldn’t help but imagine that they were telling a story - not just any story, but a terrible tale of insanity and horror. You know, stuff like this:

    So anyway, as we look at the first picture, we see the evil mastermind with his outdated cellphone army. He’s planning an evil plot with one of his shady conspirators. He’s also drinking something. My guess is cognac and human blood with a splash of Capri Sun.

    The first piece of evidence

    In the next picture, we see the super-villain further hashing out the details for whatever diabolical act he’s planning. We notice that his cellphone army has followed him to his new location, a bed with pink(?) sheets. He’s also changed into some kind of weird flower shirt.

    It's getting worse...

    In the third picture, the situation becomes clear. The miscreant has broken into a kindergarten classroom (as evidenced by the colorful construction paper on the floor) and is lying on the floor wearing only boxer shorts and his ridiculous flower t-shirt. Fortunately, it looks like the children escaped. (By the way, why is he still talking on the phone?!?)

    Somebody call Chris Hansen!

    Really, this isn’t much of a diabolical plot at all. It’s basically just your standard sicko breaking into a kindergarten classroom in his underwear. But if that’s all there is to this story, what’s the deal with all the planning, the cell phone army, the dirtiest configuration of facial hair I’ve ever witnessed? If you really consider the question, the answer becomes clear - insanity defense.

    Friday, February 19, 2010

    Promote Mad Science!

    I recently read the book Why Evolution is True by Jerry A. Coyne. The book was informative and well written, but the one thing that really captured my interest was the following excerpt:

    Conclusive proof that a given gene causes human/chimp differences requires moving the gene from one species to another and seeing what difference it makes, and that’s not the kind of experiment anyone would want to try.51

    Most people would identify this excerpt as a factual statement accompanied by a short common sense observation by the author. However, Ilya Ivanovich Ivanov is not most people. You may have noticed the footnote indication at the end of the excerpt. Even if you didn’t, I did, and that’s all that matters because I read the book and I’m the one presently writing this blog post.

    Chimpanzees have two states: rest and berserk. This chimpanzee is resting, so we can deduce that he is contemplating going berserk soon.

    At any rate, I flipped to the back of the book and found the following paragraph (bracketed segments represent my thoughts while reading):

    Actually, it has been tried at least once. [Awesome!] In 1927, Ilya Ivanovich Ivanov [possibly the best name ever], an eccentric Russian biologist whose forte was making animal hybrids through artificial insemination, used that technique to try to create human/chimpanzee hybrids (dubbed “humanzees” or “chumans”). [I salute you, sir.] At a field station in French Guinea, he inseminated three female chimps with human sperm. [good for him] Fortunately, there were no pregnancies, and his later plans to do the reverse experiment were thwarted. [Noooooo!!!]

    Yes, in addition to having the initials III, Ilya Ivanovich Ivanov was also a mad scientist extraordinaire. Unfortunately, his heroic and admirable attempts at combining humans and chimpanzees were unsuccessful. While the author doesn’t elaborate on the problem, its easy enough to discern.

    First of all, the guy was Russian and therefore necessarily smashed due to excessive vodka consumption. Secondly, he was dealing with chimpanzees - otherwise known as the craziest poo-flinging spazzes this side of anywhere. To put it another way, its like trying to perform an experiment on a member of the Jersey Shore cast. As if these obstacles weren’t enough, Ivanov apparently faced outside attempts to thwart his experiments.

    This was undoubtedly part of the problem.

    All of this leads to one immutable conclusion: We need to promote human/chimpanzee hybridization in the United States. Just think what our scientists, free of alcohol intoxication and freezing temperatures, could accomplish. It is widely known that the U.S. educational system has been surpassed by many other countries in international math and science rankings. What better way to reclaim the mantle of scientific superiority and inspire American science students than to create freakish abominations that no one else has had the knowledge or stomach to create?

    This is the land of the free and the home of the brave! We’re the ones who gave Britain the finger to start things off. We’re the ones who shot the crap out of each other in the wild west. We’re the ones who put Neil Armstrong in a freaking rocket, blasted that sucker off the face of the freaking earth, and then checked back later to see what was going on from the comfort of our freaking living rooms. Its time for the next great American advancement. Let’s make a humanzee!

    Saturday, January 30, 2010

    Little People, Pit Bulls & Lunchables

    Remember that reality show about little people?

    Do you recall the one about pit bulls?

    Well if you think those shows were good, you need to seriously reevaluate your reality show appraisal skills because now there’s a reality show about little people AND pit bulls! Its called Pit Boss and I have no idea what its about. In fairness, no reality show is really about anything anyway, but I digress.

    Confused? So are we.

    After watching the Pit boss promo, I was left with two primary impressions:
    - Little People!
    - Pit Bulls!

    That was all the concrete information I could gather about the show. Additionally, I got the impression that the “pit boss” is supposed to be some kind of tough guy or something. I say this because he wears a fedora and smokes cigars. I may not know much about the show, but if there’s one thing I do know its that fedora + cigar = tough guy.

    In an effort to get more information, I went to the Animal Planet website and found the following synopsis:

    Former actor, entertainment guru and pit bull rescuer Shorty Rossi has lofty ideals, a tough attitude and an entertainment industry Rolodex to help his cause. And he's gathered together three friends/employees; Ronald, Ashley and Sebastian, to take on the gargantuan task of rescuing, rehabbing and training the most misunderstood of dogs—pit bulls. 

    Shorty, a workaholic with a devilish sense of humor and quick temper, balances two jobs—running Shortywood Productions, a Hollywood talent management company for little people, as well as Shorty’s Rescue, his pit bull rescue group. 

    Shorty, aptly named, and his three cohorts happen to be little people with the biggest hearts for these adorable dogs, who often are bigger than they are. From the producers of Millionaire Matchmaker and Blowout, Pit Boss follows the everyday drama and joy of these buddies and business partners as they hit the streets of Los Angeles in their fight to overcome stereotypes — for themselves and the pit bulls they save.

    So did that clear things up for you? Yeah, me neither.

    *In Related News*

    As I was doing my research on Pit Boss, I came across the following ad:

    Jeff Corwin is hawking Lunchables? Jeff, I thought you were an advocate for the natural world... Ba-dum-dum! Thank you and I apologize.