Monday, November 29, 2010

R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen

He was a legendary comic actor and part of the greatest achievement in cinematic history. Surely, he will be missed.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Assclown Blames God For Dropped Pass, Hilarity Ensues

After Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson dropped a perfect pass (while wide open...in the endzone...in overtime...for the win), he tweeted the following message:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO...

Barring the sheer stupidity of the comment, I do have a small amount of appreciation for the fact that someone has taken a concept that was almost surely used in some form of satire at some time and turned it into a literal reality. However, when one breaks down the tweet, it becomes apparent that Stevie Johnson has no one to blame but himself:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!
If Johnson had taken some time out of his praise schedule to practice, he might have caught the pass on game day.

AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!!
At a minimum, Johnson should have used a mixture of question marks and exclamation points here as he did after “HOW”. I don’t have any specific comment here except to refer back to my response to “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!”.

YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS???
I think that God, along with everyone else, expected Johnson to catch the football.

HOW???!!!
Here, I agree with Johnson that philosophical speculation into the teleological implications of dropping a pass may not yield any useful information. However, there is something that Johnson can learn, namely how to catch a football, that will benefit him in the future. For more on this I again refer back to my response to “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!”.

ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!!
Understandable.

EVER!!!
See previous response.

THX THO...
In a seemingly dangerous comment, Johnson appears to be sarcastically deriding God for making him drop the pass. However, if God indeed caused Johnson to drop the pass, it is already evident (and completely understandable after reading this tweet) that God hates Stevie Johnson.

So there you have it, Stevie Johnson. Either you are a complete assclown or God hates you. Congratulations.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Milky Way is Blowing Bubbles

I recently read the article Mysterious Structures Balloon From Milky Way’s Core from National Geographic. Toward the end of the article, Princeton astrophysicist David Spergel states that “further studies will be required to get at the true nature of the energy source blowing the bubbles.” Well, I’ve done the additional studies and am now prepared to accept the requisite praise and/or monetary compensation for my efforts.

Upon reading the article, several questions immediately came to mind: What’s going on here? What are the implications for our galaxy? Did the Mayans predict this? I’m not sure about the first two questions, but regarding the third, I’m reasonably certain that if I rummaged through a bunch of Mayan artifacts I could find an engraving resembling some bubbles and make the necessary inferences to get to ‘yes’.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel like writing Mayan Bubbleocalypse: Prelude to Whatever is Supposed to Happen in 2012, so I’ve decided to consider alternate theories.

Theory #1: Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga is the El NiƱo of our time when it comes to de facto explanations for baffling phenomena. While she is almost certainly an extra terrestrial, there are some major drawbacks to this theory. The most evident is the lack of onlookers at the core of the Milky Way. I mean, the woman wore a meat dress on national television. No, the core of the Milky Way is not an attractive destination for someone fitting the description of recording artist/attention seeker.

While this photo appears to offer damning evidence, 
there are some major drawbacks to the Gaga theory.

Theory #2: Galactic Bubble Bath

I don’t have any ‘evidence’ for this one per se, but you have to admit that it sounds intriguing. “At the center of our galaxy...a world of fun and cleanliness awaits...prepare yourself...for a bubble bath...of truly cosmic proportions. Galactic Bubble Bath - coming to theaters this summer.”

Theory #3: Scientists are making the whole thing up.

You think I’m crazy? Think about it, whenever a scientist makes some kind of hypothesis, who checks it out to see if it’s legit? That’s right - other scientists! Face it people, these nerds can pull one over on us any time they feel like it.

And why wouldn’t they? From their perspective they’re looking at infinite upside. They get to sit around coming up with the craziest ideas they can and then laugh at us when we buy into their machinations. Meanwhile, everyone is like, “Oh wow, look at this new discovery that John Q. Scientist discovered with his awesome brain and so forth.”

Give me a break! I’m on to you, scientists, and now so is everyone who reads this. Admittedly, the traffic on this blog is such that I feel the scientists will be able to get away with their nefarious schemes for the foreseeable future, but at least I’ve done my part to stop their shenanigans!