Monday, December 21, 2009

I Don't Understand the Words That are Coming Out of Your Mouth

The following is an excerpt from The Invisible Landscape: Mind, Hallucinogens and The I Ching by Terence and Dennis McKenna:

To check our theories, we devised an experiment that was planned to trigger an intercalation of harmine into the genetic material that would sustain and stabilize its charge-transfer energy within a superconducting matrix. We reasoned that an infusion of ayahuasca plus tryptamine (mushroom) admixtures would allow us to do the following: (1) We would hear and vocally imitate the ESR modulation of the tryptamines as they intercalated with their RNA receptors. (2) The amplified tryptamine-RNA ESR would be a harmonic overtone of the harmine-DNA resonation frequency, and the vocal modulation of these frequencies would cancel the two waveforms, causing both complexes to simultaneously lose their electrical resistance and assume superconducting configuration. (3) The superconductive bond with the DNA, would then begin to broadcast its waveform hologramatic ESR configuration through the superconducting harmine-transducing circuit. This superconductively sustained and amplified resonation of the harmine-DNA macromolecule would excite the tryptamine-RNA complex into a sympathetic resonance frequency, causing it to act as a radio transmitter, which would broadcast the coded information of the harmine-DNA superconducting sustainer circuit.

Dear Terence and Dennis McKenna,



P.S. My brain hurts...

... and I haven’t even started reading the part about human novelty ending in 2012. Or is that the point of infinite novelty? In any case, the I Ching is involved.

"My name is Terence McKenna and my goal is to make your head explode."

This book makes me want to read something by Dr. Seuss. Seriously, if someone wrote a book using lorem ipsum, intermittently inserted the words “shaman”, “DNA”, and “hologram” and provided accompanying illustrations of the molecular structures of various psychedelics, I would be unable to discern a difference between that book and The Invisible Landscape.

Still, where else are you going to find this stuff? Forget sublimely awesome, this book is infuriatingly, bizarrely, ludicrously, mind-numbingly, sublimely awesome. With that in mind, I would like to congratulate Terence and Dennis McKenna on thinking so far outside the box they make Patrick Bateman seem like a reasonable guy.*

*This sentence was included solely to reference American Psycho.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Collars of Power

In this post, I explore the topic of awesome collars.

Exhibit A: The Popped Collar

Yes, people have been popping their collars since the 19th century. I feel that the popped collar was awesome back then, but that it went out of style when the 20th century hit. As a result, anyone currently wearing a popped collar is sporting a trend that has officially been played out for over a century.

Exhibit B: The Neck Fortress
Note the iron-clad protection offered by this solemn collar. The wearer may not be able to look down, but then again does he really have to? Surely, no attack could prevail against the impregnable walls of the neck fortress.

Exhibit C: The Ruffle Collar

This is a curious collar that defies all reason and common sense. It is a billowing and whimsical phenomenon that seemingly fell to earth from some flamboyant parallel universe. Why wear this collar if not to simulate the magical sensation of your head moving gracefully above the clouds? Some have noted the effeminate nature of the ruffle collar, suggesting that it may look more appropriate on a woman. With that in mind, I submit to you a picture of a woman wearing a ruffle collar:

I have to admit, this doesn’t make any more sense.

Exhibit D: WTF

A china doll became a chemist, synthesized some LSD in the lab, took it, went to Wonderland and purchased a coat from the Mad Hatter? Just my best guess here.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

How to Question the Value of Human Life

It happened the other day as I was browsing in Barnes & Noble. I looked to the left and encountered the following image:

First of all, you will realize that the book had to be faced out in order for this event to occur. I sincerely hope that the employee who made the decision to display the book in this way did so ironically.

It took me a moment to register the meaning and significance of the image before me. It could certainly be interpreted in several ways. People with a religious belief might interpret it as a sign of the end times. Ironically, it could also be regarded as the definitive rebuttal to theism. In any case, it left me with a sinking feeling that would not go away easily.

This image seemed to be mocking the the idea of human value. It was as if the book, simply by existing, challenged the concepts of progress, meaning and purpose. "I exist" it seemed to say, "What have you to say about your world now?"

I admit, it was a potent challenge. My initial reaction was one of bewilderment and resignation. I was almost prepared to concede the point and admit that there was no inherent meaning in the universe and that life was just a bizarre, pointless aberration.

But then something happened. Something deep inside of me rose up and entered the fray. Call it the divine spark, the human spirit, the essence of my being. Whatever you want to call it, it came to life with a response even more singular and powerful than the monolithic challenge issued by the book: "No."

It was a response that transcended all intellectual and emotional appeals. It was the will to live, that inexplicable, undeniable fire that burns deep within the heart of all beings. It was that voice that came to my rescue when all other defenses had been shattered. "No" it said, "I am, I assert my right to be, and no argument can stand against the ineffable mystery of manifest life."

I left Barnes & Noble in a state of peaceful contemplation. I had gained a renewed understanding of the dignity of human life. I realized that there is something inherent in life itself that gives it value and nothing we do can ever diminish that value in the slightest degree.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Ginger Festival!

Apparently these people got together for something called "Redhead Day". This sounded kind of strange to me until I found out that the event is held in Holland, which makes the whole thing completely understandable. By the way, the event was started by a blond guy.

A group of gingers

While this is all fine and well, I just think the whole "ginger" thing is kind of bizarre. At the end of the day, all we're talking about is people with red hair. I really don't see what the big deal is.

"a family in Newcastle claimed they were driven from their home because of anti-ginger abuse in 2007"

Whoa, hold on now. Are you serious?

"After an anti-ginger South Park episode, Kick a Ginger Day started in Canada and someone was seriously hurt."

This is hilarious and depressing at the same time.

"Do people with red hair really want to seek out the company of those with similar colouring?

This exclusive community is already functioning and making money for Brigitte van Hengel. She runs a ginger modelling agency and is looking to add a ginger-only theatre company ... Alan Petrie has travelled from Aberdeen to research the possibility of starting a ginger community in Scotland."

So if I understand this correctly, gingers are a quasi-ethnic, persecuted minority yet at the same time they want to form a "genetically pure" segregated community? These people are like the Nazis and the Jews all rolled into one! Can this get any crazier?

"Ironically, claims of racial discrimination were also invoked when Mr Rouwenhorst investigated the possibility of getting his festival noted in the Guinness World Records. Redheads, he was told, were considered a minority by its editors, who will not record events based on racial characteristics."

I have no idea what's going on.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Hamster-like Humans Investigate Disappearance of Hamster-like Pika

The pika, a “hamster-like” rodent, is disappearing. To find out why, a team of hamster-like humans investigates. At one point, Natural Geographic Grantee Rob Guralnick refers to the pika as an “alpine denizen”. This has no significance to the larger story, however it’s the first time I’ve ever heard anyone use the term “alpine denizen”. (Note: As if this wasn’t enough, Guralnick later uses the phrase “great, charismatic, wonderful taxon”.)

First, the team admires some pika crap. Then, they essentially go into a pika’s cupboard and trash the place. Finally, the team goes back to the lab and surfs around on Google Earth to kill some time.

At the end of the study, it’s determined that global warming is killing the pika. Apparently (I’m paraphrasing here) pikas have an insanely overclocked metabolism that protects them from cold weather. When the weather is warmer than expected, their supercharged internal VTEC explodes and they go out in a blaze of glory. Hopefully, the pika will survive and the majestic call of the pika will be heard for generations to come.

Friday, September 4, 2009

A Message of Hope for Hard Economic Times

May this comfort you in your time of trouble.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Eight of the Most Dangerous Places to Live

To all those with a death wish, you're welcome. Places not mentioned in this list include:

- Flamboyant Homosexual Estates in Tehran
- Mess With Texas Village Apartments in Dallas
- Cheerful Optimist Townhomes in Siberia
- The Moon

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Trent Reznor and the Monkey from the Closer Video Star in a New Film

...and it looks like the new project is more family friendly. Here's an image from the official website:

I'm not sure what the connection is between the two projects other than the fact that they both involve meat. In case anyone hasn't seen the original music video, here it is (WARNING: explicit content).

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Missing Link Between Star Trek and Lord of the Rings

You're welcome, nerds. Apparently Spock was smoking some crazy stuff on the Enterprise. In fact, when the ship landed on a new planet, he would often wonder off and shoot a music video. This one is pretty special. If you have any doubts, I have two words for you: tuba solo.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Alexis Bledel/Zooey Deschanel

You're telling me they're not the same person? Sorry, I don't accept that. Two of the following pictures are Alexis Bledel and two are Zooey Deschanel. Translation: The following four pictures feature the individual known as Alexis Bledel/Zooey Deschanel. Notice that the last names both end with -el. Also, their (her) first initials are A and Z, the first and last letters of the alphabet. This is an obvious ploy to make people think "opposite letters = different people". Now you know better.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Teetotaling Scientists Screw Rats

I find this article disturbing. Apparently, a bunch of prohibitionist scientists ingratiated themselves with the rat community by providing an open bar where the rats could hang out and party. Then, the scientists closed the bar down with no warning whatsoever, killing the rat party instantly. It is not the job of science, sirs and/or madams, to play cruel jokes on fine upstanding rats who simply want to have a good time! I hope that you will apologize to the rats and reopen the rat bar.