Little People, Pit Bulls & Lunchables

Remember that reality show about little people?


Do you recall the one about pit bulls?


Well if you think those shows were good, you need to seriously reevaluate your reality show appraisal skills because now there’s a reality show about little people AND pit bulls! Its called Pit Boss and I have no idea what its about. In fairness, no reality show is really about anything anyway, but I digress.


Confused? So are we.

After watching the Pit boss promo, I was left with two primary impressions:
- Little People!
- Pit Bulls!

That was all the concrete information I could gather about the show. Additionally, I got the impression that the “pit boss” is supposed to be some kind of tough guy or something. I say this because he wears a fedora and smokes cigars. I may not know much about the show, but if there’s one thing I do know its that fedora + cigar = tough guy.

In an effort to get more information, I went to the Animal Planet website and found the following synopsis:

Former actor, entertainment guru and pit bull rescuer Shorty Rossi has lofty ideals, a tough attitude and an entertainment industry Rolodex to help his cause. And he's gathered together three friends/employees; Ronald, Ashley and Sebastian, to take on the gargantuan task of rescuing, rehabbing and training the most misunderstood of dogs—pit bulls. 

Shorty, a workaholic with a devilish sense of humor and quick temper, balances two jobs—running Shortywood Productions, a Hollywood talent management company for little people, as well as Shorty’s Rescue, his pit bull rescue group. 

Shorty, aptly named, and his three cohorts happen to be little people with the biggest hearts for these adorable dogs, who often are bigger than they are. From the producers of Millionaire Matchmaker and Blowout, Pit Boss follows the everyday drama and joy of these buddies and business partners as they hit the streets of Los Angeles in their fight to overcome stereotypes — for themselves and the pit bulls they save.

So did that clear things up for you? Yeah, me neither.

*In Related News*

As I was doing my research on Pit Boss, I came across the following ad:



Jeff Corwin is hawking Lunchables? Jeff, I thought you were an advocate for the natural world... Ba-dum-dum! Thank you and I apologize.

I Don't Understand the Words That are Coming Out of Your Mouth

The following is an excerpt from The Invisible Landscape: Mind, Hallucinogens and The I Ching by Terence and Dennis McKenna:

To check our theories, we devised an experiment that was planned to trigger an intercalation of harmine into the genetic material that would sustain and stabilize its charge-transfer energy within a superconducting matrix. We reasoned that an infusion of ayahuasca plus tryptamine (mushroom) admixtures would allow us to do the following: (1) We would hear and vocally imitate the ESR modulation of the tryptamines as they intercalated with their RNA receptors. (2) The amplified tryptamine-RNA ESR would be a harmonic overtone of the harmine-DNA resonation frequency, and the vocal modulation of these frequencies would cancel the two waveforms, causing both complexes to simultaneously lose their electrical resistance and assume superconducting configuration. (3) The superconductive bond with the DNA, would then begin to broadcast its waveform hologramatic ESR configuration through the superconducting harmine-transducing circuit. This superconductively sustained and amplified resonation of the harmine-DNA macromolecule would excite the tryptamine-RNA complex into a sympathetic resonance frequency, causing it to act as a radio transmitter, which would broadcast the coded information of the harmine-DNA superconducting sustainer circuit.

Dear Terence and Dennis McKenna,

What?

Sincerely,
Me

P.S. My brain hurts...

... and I haven’t even started reading the part about human novelty ending in 2012. Or is that the point of infinite novelty? In any case, the I Ching is involved.


"My name is Terence McKenna and my goal is to make your head explode."


This book makes me want to read something by Dr. Seuss. Seriously, if someone wrote a book using lorem ipsum, intermittently inserted the words “shaman”, “DNA”, and “hologram” and provided accompanying illustrations of the molecular structures of various psychedelics, I would be unable to discern a difference between that book and The Invisible Landscape.

Still, where else are you going to find this stuff? Forget sublimely awesome, this book is infuriatingly, bizarrely, ludicrously, mind-numbingly, sublimely awesome. With that in mind, I would like to congratulate Terence and Dennis McKenna on thinking so far outside the box they make Patrick Bateman seem like a reasonable guy.*

*This sentence was included solely to reference American Psycho.

Collars of Power

In this post, I explore the topic of awesome collars.

Exhibit A: The Popped Collar

Yes, people have been popping their collars since the 19th century. I feel that the popped collar was awesome back then, but that it went out of style when the 20th century hit. As a result, anyone currently wearing a popped collar is sporting a trend that has officially been played out for over a century.

Exhibit B: The Neck Fortress

Note the iron-clad protection offered by this solemn collar. The wearer may not be able to look down, but then again does he really have to? Surely, no attack could prevail against the impregnable walls of the neck fortress.

Exhibit C: The Ruffle Collar

This is a curious collar that defies all reason and common sense. It is a billowing and whimsical phenomenon that seemingly fell to earth from some flamboyant parallel universe. Why wear this collar if not to simulate the magical sensation of your head moving gracefully above the clouds? Some have noted the effeminate nature of the ruffle collar, suggesting that it may look more appropriate on a woman. With that in mind, I submit to you a picture of a woman wearing a ruffle collar:


I have to admit, this doesn’t make any more sense.

Exhibit D: WTF

A china doll became a chemist, synthesized some LSD in the lab, took it, went to Wonderland and purchased a coat from the Mad Hatter? Just my best guess here.

How to Question the Value of Human Life

It happened the other day as I was browsing in Barnes & Noble. I looked to the left and encountered the following image:



First of all, you will realize that the book had to be faced out in order for this event to occur. I sincerely hope that the employee who made the decision to display the book in this way did so ironically.

It took me a moment to register the meaning and significance of the image before me. It could certainly be interpreted in several ways. People with a religious belief might interpret it as a sign of the end times. Ironically, it could also be regarded as the definitive rebuttal to theism. In any case, it left me with a sinking feeling that would not go away easily.

This image seemed to be mocking the the idea of human value. It was as if the book, simply by existing, challenged the concepts of progress, meaning and purpose. "I exist" it seemed to say, "What have you to say about your world now?"

I admit, it was a potent challenge. My initial reaction was one of bewilderment and resignation. I was almost prepared to concede the point and admit that there was no inherent meaning in the universe and that life was just a bizarre, pointless aberration.

But then something happened. Something deep inside of me rose up and entered the fray. Call it the divine spark, the human spirit, the essence of my being. Whatever you want to call it, it came to life with a response even more singular and powerful than the monolithic challenge issued by the book: "No."

It was a response that transcended all intellectual and emotional appeals. It was the will to live, that inexplicable, undeniable fire that burns deep within the heart of all beings. It was that voice that came to my rescue when all other defenses had been shattered. "No" it said, "I am, I assert my right to be, and no argument can stand against the ineffable mystery of manifest life."

I left Barnes & Noble in a state of peaceful contemplation. I had gained a renewed understanding of the dignity of human life. I realized that there is something inherent in life itself that gives it value and nothing we do can ever diminish that value in the slightest degree.

Ginger Festival!

Apparently these people got together for something called "Redhead Day". This sounded kind of strange to me until I found out that the event is held in Holland, which makes the whole thing completely understandable. By the way, the event was started by a blond guy.


A group of gingers

While this is all fine and well, I just think the whole "ginger" thing is kind of bizarre. At the end of the day, all we're talking about is people with red hair. I really don't see what the big deal is.

"a family in Newcastle claimed they were driven from their home because of anti-ginger abuse in 2007"

Whoa, hold on now. Are you serious?

"After an anti-ginger South Park episode, Kick a Ginger Day started in Canada and someone was seriously hurt."

This is hilarious and depressing at the same time.

"Do people with red hair really want to seek out the company of those with similar colouring?

This exclusive community is already functioning and making money for Brigitte van Hengel. She runs a ginger modelling agency and is looking to add a ginger-only theatre company ... Alan Petrie has travelled from Aberdeen to research the possibility of starting a ginger community in Scotland."

So if I understand this correctly, gingers are a quasi-ethnic, persecuted minority yet at the same time they want to form a "genetically pure" segregated community? These people are like the Nazis and the Jews all rolled into one! Can this get any crazier?

"Ironically, claims of racial discrimination were also invoked when Mr Rouwenhorst investigated the possibility of getting his festival noted in the Guinness World Records. Redheads, he was told, were considered a minority by its editors, who will not record events based on racial characteristics."

...
I have no idea what's going on.

Hamster-like Humans Investigate Disappearance of Hamster-like Pika

The pika, a “hamster-like” rodent, is disappearing. To find out why, a team of hamster-like humans investigates. At one point, Natural Geographic Grantee Rob Guralnick refers to the pika as an “alpine denizen”. This has no significance to the larger story, however it’s the first time I’ve ever heard anyone use the term “alpine denizen”. (Note: As if this wasn’t enough, Guralnick later uses the phrase “great, charismatic, wonderful taxon”.)

First, the team admires some pika crap. Then, they essentially go into a pika’s cupboard and trash the place. Finally, the team goes back to the lab and surfs around on Google Earth to kill some time.

At the end of the study, it’s determined that global warming is killing the pika. Apparently (I’m paraphrasing here) pikas have an insanely overclocked metabolism that protects them from cold weather. When the weather is warmer than expected, their supercharged internal VTEC explodes and they go out in a blaze of glory. Hopefully, the pika will survive and the majestic call of the pika will be heard for generations to come.

A Message of Hope for Hard Economic Times

May this comfort you in your time of trouble.