Sublime Awesomeness Identified by Another User of the Interwebs

No, this doesn’t mean that someone found my blog. Rather, another user of the Internet has identified the quality of sublime awesomeness. I discovered this in a post entitled “the sublime awesomeness of Tamil action” from a blog called Our Delhi Struggle.

You can read the post for yourself, but basically it discusses a certain genre of Indian action cinema and provides some sample clips. Mere seconds after clicking on the first clip, I recognized that I was witnessing something amazing.

It was a singular experience, to say the least. An alchemy of invigorating music, strange camera techniques, amusing facial expressions, bold sound effects and mustaches. In short, it was a transcendent burst of enlightenment sustained over a period of approximately two minutes (nearly four minutes counting the second clip).

Everyone is familiar with the image of the old wise man on the mountaintop. The traveler in search of wisdom climbs the mountain and asks, “What is the meaning of life?” While a rational answer seems eternally elusive, suppose the old man answered with a video clip. By definition the clip would defy explanation, but if you had to describe it, only one term would suffice...

Sublime Awesomeness

Bizarre Set Up Fail

In a breaking story from the agency covering the news that matters (TMZ), it appears that two rando paparazzi attempted to set up Gary Busey and failed hilariously.

Part one goes like this: randos call the cops and tell them that Busey is driving drunk. The cops then pull Busey over and determine that he is “perfectly sober”.

Judging by this fact, it is fairly evident that these people didn’t have good information. Apparently, they were just hoping that, at any given time, there is a significant chance that Gary Busey is driving drunk (which doesn’t sound that crazy now that I think about it).

Anyway, after the cops pulled Busey over, the paparazzi couple started taking pictures of the incident, the cops told them to stop, they didn’t and the cops arrested them for obstruction. Awesomely, the woman was also charged with possession of marijuana.

In conclusion, this story has an insightful and penetrating moral: if you make the wrong decision at every possible turn, something bad might happen. In other extremely important news, Martha Stewart was head-butted by her dog.

Scientists Attempt to Foist More Tomfoolery Upon The General Public

In a previous post entitled The Milky Way is Blowing Bubbles, I explored the possibility that the scientific community at large, fueled by its collective megalomaniacal nerd-zeal, is proposing arbitrary and completely outlandish theories. While I already identified this proposition as nearly self-evident at the time, the supporting evidence is now piling up so high that to reject the assertion would be tantamount to rejecting a 6,000 year old earth.

I recently read a National Geographic headline proclaiming that a “glowing, green space blob [is] forming new stars”. I expected no less from these insufferable poindexters. In fact, as I read the article, it became apparent that I had actually set my expectations far too high.

It seems that this “green space blob” was “discovered” by a Dutch teacher. Anyone questioning my incredulity regarding this “discovery” would do well to note that the entire Dutch existence consists largely of fumbling around in a green haze. As such, it is clear that relating a few moments of this experience does not equate to a genuine discovery and it certainly doesn’t provide any evidence that a monster from a 50’s horror film is crapping out stars in some God-forsaken corner of the universe.

The addition of the color green appears to be the only 

creative embellishment attempted by the scientists.

While the ridiculous claim of a new discovery seemed par for the course, the details are disappointing. First, the scientists said that “something” was blowing bubbles from the core of the Milky Way and now they offer the revelation that a “green blob” is forming stars. Why the reliance on these nebulous, vague phenomena? It seems that the scientists’ creativity is lagging far behind their audacity in this ongoing hoodwinking campaign...

I will report further offenses as they are perpetrated.

Great Achievements in Government: al-Shabab Bans Mixed-Sex Handshakes

It appears that the Islamist group ruling over the town of Jowhar in Somalia has finally cracked down on mixed-sex handshakes. While I applauded al-Shabab’s previous ban on music, I worried that it was not enough. Thankfully, the group has come through with a firm and uncompromising measure that achieves maximum absurdity.

According to an article from the BBC, “men and women who are not related are also barred from walking together or chatting in public”. While some may have felt that the handshake ban was enough, I personally believe that these additional stipulations are essential to achieving maximum awkwardness and a meaningful reduction of natural human interaction.

The article states that the penalty for breaking the ban will “probably” be public flogging. While I’m certainly glad to see this penalty instituted, I had hoped for something more significant. I anticipated that al-Shabab might institute the death penalty or at least cut off the hands of offenders, and in fact the tentative language of the article suggests that one of these options may still be a possibility. However, even if al-Shabab passes on these options, it is good to know that there is a solid flogging penalty in place.

R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen

He was a legendary comic actor and part of the greatest achievement in cinematic history. Surely, he will be missed.

Assclown Blames God For Dropped Pass, Hilarity Ensues

After Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson dropped a perfect pass (while wide open...in the endzone...in overtime...for the win), he tweeted the following message:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO...

Barring the sheer stupidity of the comment, I do have a small amount of appreciation for the fact that someone has taken a concept that was almost surely used in some form of satire at some time and turned it into a literal reality. However, when one breaks down the tweet, it becomes apparent that Stevie Johnson has no one to blame but himself:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!

If Johnson had taken some time out of his praise schedule to practice, he might have caught the pass on game day.

AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!!

At a minimum, Johnson should have used a mixture of question marks and exclamation points here as he did after “HOW”. I don’t have any specific comment here except to refer back to my response to “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!”.

YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS???

I think that God, along with everyone else, expected Johnson to catch the football.

HOW???!!!

Here, I agree with Johnson that philosophical speculation into the teleological implications of dropping a pass may not yield any useful information. However, there is something that Johnson can learn, namely how to catch a football, that will benefit him in the future. For more on this I again refer back to my response to “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!”.

ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!!

Understandable.

EVER!!!

See previous response.

THX THO...

In a seemingly dangerous comment, Johnson appears to be sarcastically deriding God for making him drop the pass. However, if God indeed caused Johnson to drop the pass, it is already evident (and completely understandable after reading this tweet) that God hates Stevie Johnson.

So there you have it, Stevie Johnson. Either you are a complete assclown or God hates you. Congratulations.

The Milky Way is Blowing Bubbles

I recently read the article Mysterious Structures Balloon From Milky Way’s Core from National Geographic. Toward the end of the article, Princeton astrophysicist David Spergel states that “further studies will be required to get at the true nature of the energy source blowing the bubbles.” Well, I’ve done the additional studies and am now prepared to accept the requisite praise and/or monetary compensation for my efforts.

Upon reading the article, several questions immediately came to mind: What’s going on here? What are the implications for our galaxy? Did the Mayans predict this? I’m not sure about the first two questions, but regarding the third, I’m reasonably certain that if I rummaged through a bunch of Mayan artifacts I could find an engraving resembling some bubbles and make the necessary inferences to get to ‘yes’.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel like writing Mayan Bubbleocalypse: Prelude to Whatever is Supposed to Happen in 2012, so I’ve decided to consider alternate theories.

Theory #1: Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga is the El Niño of our time when it comes to de facto explanations for baffling phenomena. While she is almost certainly an extra terrestrial, there are some major drawbacks to this theory. The most evident is the lack of onlookers at the core of the Milky Way. I mean, the woman wore a meat dress on national television. No, the core of the Milky Way is not an attractive destination for someone fitting the description of recording artist/attention seeker.

While this photo appears to offer damning evidence, 

there are some major drawbacks to the Gaga theory.

Theory #2: Galactic Bubble Bath

I don’t have any ‘evidence’ for this one per se, but you have to admit that it sounds intriguing. “At the center of our galaxy...a world of fun and cleanliness awaits...prepare yourself...for a bubble bath...of truly cosmic proportions. Galactic Bubble Bath - coming to theaters this summer.”

Theory #3: Scientists are making the whole thing up.

You think I’m crazy? Think about it, whenever a scientist makes some kind of hypothesis, who checks it out to see if it’s legit? That’s right - other scientists! Face it people, these nerds can pull one over on us any time they feel like it.

And why wouldn’t they? From their perspective they’re looking at infinite upside. They get to sit around coming up with the craziest ideas they can and then laugh at us when we buy into their machinations. Meanwhile, everyone is like, “Oh wow, look at this new discovery that John Q. Scientist discovered with his awesome brain and so forth.”

Give me a break! I’m on to you, scientists, and now so is everyone who reads this. Admittedly, the traffic on this blog is such that I feel the scientists will be able to get away with their nefarious schemes for the foreseeable future, but at least I’ve done my part to stop their shenanigans!