Great Achievements in Government: al-Shabab Bans Mixed-Sex Handshakes

It appears that the Islamist group ruling over the town of Jowhar in Somalia has finally cracked down on mixed-sex handshakes. While I applauded al-Shabab’s previous ban on music, I worried that it was not enough. Thankfully, the group has come through with a firm and uncompromising measure that achieves maximum absurdity.

According to an article from the BBC, “men and women who are not related are also barred from walking together or chatting in public”. While some may have felt that the handshake ban was enough, I personally believe that these additional stipulations are essential to achieving maximum awkwardness and a meaningful reduction of natural human interaction.

The article states that the penalty for breaking the ban will “probably” be public flogging. While I’m certainly glad to see this penalty instituted, I had hoped for something more significant. I anticipated that al-Shabab might institute the death penalty or at least cut off the hands of offenders, and in fact the tentative language of the article suggests that one of these options may still be a possibility. However, even if al-Shabab passes on these options, it is good to know that there is a solid flogging penalty in place.

R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen

He was a legendary comic actor and part of the greatest achievement in cinematic history. Surely, he will be missed.

Assclown Blames God For Dropped Pass, Hilarity Ensues

After Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson dropped a perfect pass (while wide open...in the endzone...in overtime...for the win), he tweeted the following message:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO...

Barring the sheer stupidity of the comment, I do have a small amount of appreciation for the fact that someone has taken a concept that was almost surely used in some form of satire at some time and turned it into a literal reality. However, when one breaks down the tweet, it becomes apparent that Stevie Johnson has no one to blame but himself:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!

If Johnson had taken some time out of his praise schedule to practice, he might have caught the pass on game day.

AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!!

At a minimum, Johnson should have used a mixture of question marks and exclamation points here as he did after “HOW”. I don’t have any specific comment here except to refer back to my response to “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!”.

YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS???

I think that God, along with everyone else, expected Johnson to catch the football.

HOW???!!!

Here, I agree with Johnson that philosophical speculation into the teleological implications of dropping a pass may not yield any useful information. However, there is something that Johnson can learn, namely how to catch a football, that will benefit him in the future. For more on this I again refer back to my response to “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!”.

ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!!

Understandable.

EVER!!!

See previous response.

THX THO...

In a seemingly dangerous comment, Johnson appears to be sarcastically deriding God for making him drop the pass. However, if God indeed caused Johnson to drop the pass, it is already evident (and completely understandable after reading this tweet) that God hates Stevie Johnson.

So there you have it, Stevie Johnson. Either you are a complete assclown or God hates you. Congratulations.

The Milky Way is Blowing Bubbles

I recently read the article Mysterious Structures Balloon From Milky Way’s Core from National Geographic. Toward the end of the article, Princeton astrophysicist David Spergel states that “further studies will be required to get at the true nature of the energy source blowing the bubbles.” Well, I’ve done the additional studies and am now prepared to accept the requisite praise and/or monetary compensation for my efforts.

Upon reading the article, several questions immediately came to mind: What’s going on here? What are the implications for our galaxy? Did the Mayans predict this? I’m not sure about the first two questions, but regarding the third, I’m reasonably certain that if I rummaged through a bunch of Mayan artifacts I could find an engraving resembling some bubbles and make the necessary inferences to get to ‘yes’.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel like writing Mayan Bubbleocalypse: Prelude to Whatever is Supposed to Happen in 2012, so I’ve decided to consider alternate theories.

Theory #1: Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga is the El Niño of our time when it comes to de facto explanations for baffling phenomena. While she is almost certainly an extra terrestrial, there are some major drawbacks to this theory. The most evident is the lack of onlookers at the core of the Milky Way. I mean, the woman wore a meat dress on national television. No, the core of the Milky Way is not an attractive destination for someone fitting the description of recording artist/attention seeker.

While this photo appears to offer damning evidence, 

there are some major drawbacks to the Gaga theory.

Theory #2: Galactic Bubble Bath

I don’t have any ‘evidence’ for this one per se, but you have to admit that it sounds intriguing. “At the center of our galaxy...a world of fun and cleanliness awaits...prepare yourself...for a bubble bath...of truly cosmic proportions. Galactic Bubble Bath - coming to theaters this summer.”

Theory #3: Scientists are making the whole thing up.

You think I’m crazy? Think about it, whenever a scientist makes some kind of hypothesis, who checks it out to see if it’s legit? That’s right - other scientists! Face it people, these nerds can pull one over on us any time they feel like it.

And why wouldn’t they? From their perspective they’re looking at infinite upside. They get to sit around coming up with the craziest ideas they can and then laugh at us when we buy into their machinations. Meanwhile, everyone is like, “Oh wow, look at this new discovery that John Q. Scientist discovered with his awesome brain and so forth.”

Give me a break! I’m on to you, scientists, and now so is everyone who reads this. Admittedly, the traffic on this blog is such that I feel the scientists will be able to get away with their nefarious schemes for the foreseeable future, but at least I’ve done my part to stop their shenanigans!

Chia Obama: Heralding a New Frontier in Human Consciousness

I just saw a commercial for "Chia Obama". If you're wondering, Chia Obama is in fact a Barack Obama inspired chia pet. To be honest, I haven't fully assimilated the significance of this phenomenon.

Chia Obama comes in both "happy" and "determined" varieties, although the seemingly more appropriate "Oh-my-God-what's-happening-to-me-there-are-plants-growing-out-of-my-head-please-someone-help-me terrified" Obama is not available.

As I watched the commercial, my mind exploded from the bizarre convergence of disparate information. After opening with images of American flags and enthusiastic crowds set to the familiar chants of "Yes we can!" the commercial suddenly introduces the equally familiar, yet completely out of place jingle of "ch-ch-ch-chia!". The impact was so jarring that I must now give legitimate consideration to the idea that I am writing this post in an alternate universe. In a previous post, I mentioned Terence McKenna's concept of human novelty ending in 2012. At the time, the idea seemed crazy, but after encountering Chia Obama, I'm beginning to understand.

Witness the madness first hand

Baffling Internet Phenomenon of the Day

Today’s baffling internet phenomenon (henceforth referred to as “BIP”) comes from a likely source. In fact, Youtube is quite possibly the epicenter of BIPs. While I’m sure you’ve already thought of some choice videos, sometimes the comments overshadow the inanity of the videos themselves. Such is the case with the following example.

The video in question is entitled “Christopher Hitchens Farts on Live Television! Ewww!” uploaded by JQisAwesome. Now, I fully acknowledge the entertainment value of people farting on live television. I also acknowledge the marked increase in entertainment value that occurs if the person in question is British (although I’m not sure how dual-citizenship status factors into the overall comedic weighting).

HOWEVER, none of this has anything to do with why this clip was selected as the BIP of the day. The really interesting thing here is the fact that JQisAwesome has an inordinately strong desire to establish the legitimacy of the clip. I refer you to his comment:

Many people think this is FAKE. Here are 5 other clips from the same broadcast. If anyone can find me a clip without the fart noise, I will send you 1,000 dollars via Paypal. Seriously.

watch?v=8ISylK4g6UM

watch?v=SJNsWN-QGW8

watch?v=LZUPtdWyijw

watch?v=UqFyMTf-BoM

watch?v=z1LZP8OHCMA

It's real!!!!!!!!!!

First of all,

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, just consider the adamant, if not maniacal, conviction of JQisAwesome. And remember, this is all in reference to a mere fart captured on television:

• He makes use of caps lock and exclamation point spamming.

• He includes no less than five links (which aren’t actually clickable links - thanks for forcing me to copy and paste, JQ!) to duplicate videos.

• He explicitly references the seriousness of the matter when the implicit seriousness is readily felt by all who read his words.

and to top it all off...

• The psychopath offers 1,000 US dollars to anyone who can produce a video of the interview sans farting noise.

Truly, this is a baffling Internet phenomenon. By the way, do you have any comment on this issue Mr. Hitchens?

Yet Another Entertaining Non-Headline From TMZ

I recently saw the following blurb on their website:

Amar'e Stoudemire -- I MIGHT Be Jewish ...

Don't break out the Manischewitz just yet ... TMZ has learned NBA superstar Amar'e Stoudemire has not found concrete evidence that proves he comes from Jewish lineage ... but he's definitely looking. 

Stoudemire's agent tells us, "I know there are some reports that he is Jewish, but he is not.  He thinks there may be some Jewish blood on his mother's side and he is researching it."

 Amar'e -- who just signed a $100 million contract with the NY Knicks -- is currently vacationing in Israel, where he's learning Hebrew and "studying the religions there."

In addition to the baffling irrelevance of the headline, one has to marvel at the phenomenon of news that contains no information. Consider the opening statement: “TMZ has learned NBA superstar Amar’e Stoudemire has not found concrete evidence that proves he comes from Jewish lineage.” I’ve heard it said that you can’t prove a negative, but can you report one? Apparently, the answer is yes.

I wonder if Lebron James has not been to the movies lately? Perhaps TMZ should get on that. While they’re at it, they may want to follow up on rumors that Angelina Jolie is not currently involved in a high speed chase. After all, in today’s world the absence of actual news shouldn’t prevent you from randomly throwing out headlines (or blog posts...).