Chia Obama: Heralding a New Frontier in Human Consciousness

I just saw a commercial for "Chia Obama". If you're wondering, Chia Obama is in fact a Barack Obama inspired chia pet. To be honest, I haven't fully assimilated the significance of this phenomenon.

Chia Obama comes in both "happy" and "determined" varieties, although the seemingly more appropriate "Oh-my-God-what's-happening-to-me-there-are-plants-growing-out-of-my-head-please-someone-help-me terrified" Obama is not available.

As I watched the commercial, my mind exploded from the bizarre convergence of disparate information. After opening with images of American flags and enthusiastic crowds set to the familiar chants of "Yes we can!" the commercial suddenly introduces the equally familiar, yet completely out of place jingle of "ch-ch-ch-chia!". The impact was so jarring that I must now give legitimate consideration to the idea that I am writing this post in an alternate universe. In a previous post, I mentioned Terence McKenna's concept of human novelty ending in 2012. At the time, the idea seemed crazy, but after encountering Chia Obama, I'm beginning to understand.

Witness the madness first hand

Baffling Internet Phenomenon of the Day

Today’s baffling internet phenomenon (henceforth referred to as “BIP”) comes from a likely source. In fact, Youtube is quite possibly the epicenter of BIPs. While I’m sure you’ve already thought of some choice videos, sometimes the comments overshadow the inanity of the videos themselves. Such is the case with the following example.

The video in question is entitled “Christopher Hitchens Farts on Live Television! Ewww!” uploaded by JQisAwesome. Now, I fully acknowledge the entertainment value of people farting on live television. I also acknowledge the marked increase in entertainment value that occurs if the person in question is British (although I’m not sure how dual-citizenship status factors into the overall comedic weighting).

HOWEVER, none of this has anything to do with why this clip was selected as the BIP of the day. The really interesting thing here is the fact that JQisAwesome has an inordinately strong desire to establish the legitimacy of the clip. I refer you to his comment:

Many people think this is FAKE. Here are 5 other clips from the same broadcast. If anyone can find me a clip without the fart noise, I will send you 1,000 dollars via Paypal. Seriously.

watch?v=8ISylK4g6UM

watch?v=SJNsWN-QGW8

watch?v=LZUPtdWyijw

watch?v=UqFyMTf-BoM

watch?v=z1LZP8OHCMA

It's real!!!!!!!!!!

First of all,

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, just consider the adamant, if not maniacal, conviction of JQisAwesome. And remember, this is all in reference to a mere fart captured on television:

• He makes use of caps lock and exclamation point spamming.

• He includes no less than five links (which aren’t actually clickable links - thanks for forcing me to copy and paste, JQ!) to duplicate videos.

• He explicitly references the seriousness of the matter when the implicit seriousness is readily felt by all who read his words.

and to top it all off...

• The psychopath offers 1,000 US dollars to anyone who can produce a video of the interview sans farting noise.

Truly, this is a baffling Internet phenomenon. By the way, do you have any comment on this issue Mr. Hitchens?

Yet Another Entertaining Non-Headline From TMZ

I recently saw the following blurb on their website:

Amar'e Stoudemire -- I MIGHT Be Jewish ...

Don't break out the Manischewitz just yet ... TMZ has learned NBA superstar Amar'e Stoudemire has not found concrete evidence that proves he comes from Jewish lineage ... but he's definitely looking. 

Stoudemire's agent tells us, "I know there are some reports that he is Jewish, but he is not.  He thinks there may be some Jewish blood on his mother's side and he is researching it."

 Amar'e -- who just signed a $100 million contract with the NY Knicks -- is currently vacationing in Israel, where he's learning Hebrew and "studying the religions there."

In addition to the baffling irrelevance of the headline, one has to marvel at the phenomenon of news that contains no information. Consider the opening statement: “TMZ has learned NBA superstar Amar’e Stoudemire has not found concrete evidence that proves he comes from Jewish lineage.” I’ve heard it said that you can’t prove a negative, but can you report one? Apparently, the answer is yes.

I wonder if Lebron James has not been to the movies lately? Perhaps TMZ should get on that. While they’re at it, they may want to follow up on rumors that Angelina Jolie is not currently involved in a high speed chase. After all, in today’s world the absence of actual news shouldn’t prevent you from randomly throwing out headlines (or blog posts...).

Mona Lisa + Duck Hunt

Yes, Virginia, there is an ad called “Mona Lisa Duck”.

I know this because I received an email today proclaiming the existence of said ad with the following message:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to inform you about our last press release regarding the first spot for the promotion of the Videogame culture made by AIOMI, the Italian Association for the Multimedia Interactive Works. I would be grateful if you could advertise and publish it on your press media and spread it with your contacts.

Dear AIOMI,

If by “publish it on your press media” you mean “post a link on your blog” then yes, I would be happy to do so. Of course, you must understand that in this context “spreading it with my contacts” means that sometime in the distant future, a single drunken music fan may stumble across the link in an attempt to find information about the band Sublime. Note that I use the word “may” because it’s unlikely that the person would actually find this website.

Sincerely,

Me

"When in doubt, just grab the gun and start shooting." - George Bernard Shaw

That being said, I really do like this ad for the following reasons:

1) I have fond memories of playing Duck Hunt on the NES.
2) I have fantasies about walking into a museum with a Glock and shooting up priceless works of art.
3) I’m Italian.*

*This is false.

Mona Lisa Duck
Enjoy! (Godano!)

Online Hate Speech Is Awesome

I recently read an article entitled Racism and homophobia in gaming: Hate speech corrodes online video game experiences. The first mistake I noticed is that the author used the word ‘corrodes’ instead of the word ‘enhances’. Secondly, it’s important to note that the vast cornucopia of racist, homophobic, xenophobic and sexist language to which the article refers is not confined to online gaming, but is rather an essential component of online interaction in general.

In fact, via some bizarre law of human nature, 99% (my estimation) of Internet conversation will eventually devolve into a communal rage-fest based on one of the following themes:

1) Your race is inferior to mine
2) Your religion is evil
3) Your country is evil
4) Your political views are synonymous with those held by Adolph Hitler
5) You are gay

Hitler, the über-reference in political feuds

Additionally, one will find a healthy dose of sexually explicit commentary littered around the Internet regardless of the original topic of discussion.

With all this in mind, let’s return to the world of online gaming. Considering the fact that people will launch into obscenity-filled tirades in response to something as benign as a Youtube video of someone making fruit salad, you can only imagine the extreme levels of hatred and anger that arise from heated online competition. In fact, you don’t have to imagine anything because the article lays it out:

One gamer told an opponent he presumed to be Jewish that he wished Hitler had succeeded in his mission. Many exchanges involve talk of rape or exult over the atomic bombing of Japan. There are frequent slurs on homosexuals, Asians, Hispanics and women.

Sounds like a good time to me! I can’t imagine why this kind of speech would be frowned upon, but apparently some people are not cool with it:

"Personally, I don't do a lot of online gaming for that reason," said Flynn DeMarco, founder of the Web site GayGamer.net, which has worked with Microsoft and other companies on steps to clean up online gaming.

No offense dude, but your website sounds kind of gay. At any rate, these psychotic gamers are adding an element of realism that hasn’t been acknowledged. For example, imagine you’re playing a World War II themed shooter. With all these people yelling anti-Semitic insults, it’s like you’re actually in Nazi Germany.

Even if the hate speech doesn’t match the environment of the game being played, it still adds that extra little bit of entertainment. In a society where political correctness is sometimes pursued to an absurd degree, it’s somehow ironically satisfying to enter a chaotic world filled with deranged psychopaths freely yelling out every manner of slur imaginable.

Taking things a step further, many people actually record videos of angry gamers flipping out and post these online, where they inevitably spawn more meaningless and frequently offensive commentary. It’s like a delicious layer cake of rage, hilarity, stupidity and frivolity.

In summary, the world on online gaming is similar to the Mos Eisley spaceport from Star Wars. In the words of Obi-Wan, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Both areas are places filled with intolerance and violence, but they also hold quite a bit of entertainment value for visitors.

Random Low-Content Post

Greetings, people who read this blog. I thought about addressing all two of you via handwritten letters, but ultimately I thought this would be easier. I'm putting up a new post tomorrow, but for now I just wanted to share my groundbreaking dance remix of John Cage's landmark work 4'33". Hope you enjoy it!

4'33" (DJ Psychospaz Galactic Dance Party Mix)

Online?

Background: I write articles for Demand Studios. They have an image database that writers can use to find pictures for their articles. The results of image searches are sometimes bizarre.

These are the first three images that come up when you search for ‘online’ in the Demand Studios image database at the time of this writing:



Besides the fact that they have virtually nothing to do with the search term, they are quite disturbing in and of themselves. Seeing these images, I couldn’t help but imagine that they were telling a story - not just any story, but a terrible tale of insanity and horror. You know, stuff like this:



So anyway, as we look at the first picture, we see the evil mastermind with his outdated cellphone army. He’s planning an evil plot with one of his shady conspirators. He’s also drinking something. My guess is cognac and human blood with a splash of Capri Sun.

The first piece of evidence

In the next picture, we see the super-villain further hashing out the details for whatever diabolical act he’s planning. We notice that his cellphone army has followed him to his new location, a bed with pink(?) sheets. He’s also changed into some kind of weird flower shirt.

It's getting worse...

In the third picture, the situation becomes clear. The miscreant has broken into a kindergarten classroom (as evidenced by the colorful construction paper on the floor) and is lying on the floor wearing only boxer shorts and his ridiculous flower t-shirt. Fortunately, it looks like the children escaped. (By the way, why is he still talking on the phone?!?)

Somebody call Chris Hansen!

Really, this isn’t much of a diabolical plot at all. It’s basically just your standard sicko breaking into a kindergarten classroom in his underwear. But if that’s all there is to this story, what’s the deal with all the planning, the cell phone army, the dirtiest configuration of facial hair I’ve ever witnessed? If you really consider the question, the answer becomes clear - insanity defense.