"Hai"
In related news, the US Department of the Interior has hired Wilford Brimley* as a consultant on the migratory patterns of salmon.
*mandatory note: Beetus
Thursday, May 12, 2011
BBC News: Seal Whiskers Sense Fattest Fish...
According to an article from BBC Earth News, seals can track and identify the size of fish using only their whiskers.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
BBC Making Liberal Use of Quotes in Headlines
As I was browsing the BBC News headlines, I noticed that many of them included quotations. The following examples constitute my effort to make sense of this odd phenomenon.
Probe after ‘kiwi’ found in Russia
The term ‘kiwi’ <---(legitimate use of quotes) can refer to a bird, a fruit or a person from New Zealand. With quotes added, the meaning of the term becomes virtually inscrutable. Perhaps someone glued lint to a lime. Then again, it may have been a Russian doing a horrendous impression of a New Zealand accent. If referring to a bird, the reporter may have been praising or criticizing a chicken. It’s impossible to know which is the case because I don’t know whether ‘kiwi’ is a complement or a pejorative in the avian world.
France football quota talk ‘not illegal’
Whatever is meant here, it must be the opposite of ‘not legal’, which simply translates to ‘legal’. However, when someone employs quotations in discussing legal matters, it usually suggests that the topic in question is actually illegal.
Example: Invest your money with Drug Bribery Murder Capital and receive a guaranteed 100% return on investment in under a month! All of our operations are completely ‘legal’!
Therefore, it would seem that ‘legal’ refers to something that is, in fact, illegal. But does the same rule hold true for ‘not illegal’? This one is very confusing, but I have one theory on what it could mean. Perhaps the reporter didn’t understand French and therefore didn’t know what to write in the article. Drawing on her resourceful nature, the reporter crafted an article full of ambiguous terms, double negatives and quotes to produce a piece that made no discernible points in an effort to mask her ignorance.
Japan ‘to review energy policy’
This one is a real accomplishment. If the quotations extended one more word the entire headline would apparently be ironic. As it is, the mention of Japan is the only concrete element.
So, what is Japan actually doing? My top three guesses are playing video games, sumo wrestling or shooting a game show that will blow my mind no less than five times when I eventually watch it.
Egypt tourism minister ‘jailed’
They’re talking about the tourism minister, so maybe this has to do with some kind of tourism promotion.
Possibility #1: A brochure features an image of the tourism minister behind bars along with a photo of the pyramids. A message reads, “Come to Egypt and see a real pyramid scheme!”
Possibility #2: The tourism minister appears in a TV commercial promoting Egypt as a tourist destination. The minister exclaims, “This is the perfect time to visit Egypt. Travel and lodging rates are so low, they are illegal under Sharia law!” The commercial ends with members of the Muslim Brotherhood apprehending the minister and throwing him in prison.
Tanks ‘near’ restive Syria city
This one is peculiar in that it couldn’t be more straightforward, yet quotes still appear. Upon further inspection, it is really an ingenious headline in that it protects the reporter from making an error. ‘Near’ is a relative term. We know for a fact that tanks exist and we also know that Syria exists and that it contains cities.
If tanks are on the border of a Syrian city, everyone would agree that the tanks are near the city. However, what about tanks located in the United States? Are they near a Syrian city? Relative to their distance from Mars, yes. Therefore, there will always be tanks near a Syrian city in some sense for the foreseeable future.
Probe after ‘kiwi’ found in Russia
The term ‘kiwi’ <---(legitimate use of quotes) can refer to a bird, a fruit or a person from New Zealand. With quotes added, the meaning of the term becomes virtually inscrutable. Perhaps someone glued lint to a lime. Then again, it may have been a Russian doing a horrendous impression of a New Zealand accent. If referring to a bird, the reporter may have been praising or criticizing a chicken. It’s impossible to know which is the case because I don’t know whether ‘kiwi’ is a complement or a pejorative in the avian world.
France football quota talk ‘not illegal’
Whatever is meant here, it must be the opposite of ‘not legal’, which simply translates to ‘legal’. However, when someone employs quotations in discussing legal matters, it usually suggests that the topic in question is actually illegal.
Example: Invest your money with Drug Bribery Murder Capital and receive a guaranteed 100% return on investment in under a month! All of our operations are completely ‘legal’!
Therefore, it would seem that ‘legal’ refers to something that is, in fact, illegal. But does the same rule hold true for ‘not illegal’? This one is very confusing, but I have one theory on what it could mean. Perhaps the reporter didn’t understand French and therefore didn’t know what to write in the article. Drawing on her resourceful nature, the reporter crafted an article full of ambiguous terms, double negatives and quotes to produce a piece that made no discernible points in an effort to mask her ignorance.
The headlines in question
Japan ‘to review energy policy’
This one is a real accomplishment. If the quotations extended one more word the entire headline would apparently be ironic. As it is, the mention of Japan is the only concrete element.
So, what is Japan actually doing? My top three guesses are playing video games, sumo wrestling or shooting a game show that will blow my mind no less than five times when I eventually watch it.
Egypt tourism minister ‘jailed’
They’re talking about the tourism minister, so maybe this has to do with some kind of tourism promotion.
Possibility #1: A brochure features an image of the tourism minister behind bars along with a photo of the pyramids. A message reads, “Come to Egypt and see a real pyramid scheme!”
I made an 'effort' to create a conceptual image.
Possibility #2: The tourism minister appears in a TV commercial promoting Egypt as a tourist destination. The minister exclaims, “This is the perfect time to visit Egypt. Travel and lodging rates are so low, they are illegal under Sharia law!” The commercial ends with members of the Muslim Brotherhood apprehending the minister and throwing him in prison.
Tanks ‘near’ restive Syria city
This one is peculiar in that it couldn’t be more straightforward, yet quotes still appear. Upon further inspection, it is really an ingenious headline in that it protects the reporter from making an error. ‘Near’ is a relative term. We know for a fact that tanks exist and we also know that Syria exists and that it contains cities.
If tanks are on the border of a Syrian city, everyone would agree that the tanks are near the city. However, what about tanks located in the United States? Are they near a Syrian city? Relative to their distance from Mars, yes. Therefore, there will always be tanks near a Syrian city in some sense for the foreseeable future.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Sublime Awesomeness Identified by Another User of the Interwebs
No, this doesn’t mean that someone found my blog. Rather, another user of the Internet has identified the quality of sublime awesomeness. I discovered this in a post entitled “the sublime awesomeness of Tamil action” from a blog called Our Delhi Struggle.
You can read the post for yourself, but basically it discusses a certain genre of Indian action cinema and provides some sample clips. Mere seconds after clicking on the first clip, I recognized that I was witnessing something amazing.
It was a singular experience, to say the least. An alchemy of invigorating music, strange camera techniques, amusing facial expressions, bold sound effects and mustaches. In short, it was a transcendent burst of enlightenment sustained over a period of approximately two minutes (nearly four minutes counting the second clip).
Everyone is familiar with the image of the old wise man on the mountaintop. The traveler in search of wisdom climbs the mountain and asks, “What is the meaning of life?” While a rational answer seems eternally elusive, suppose the old man answered with a video clip. By definition the clip would defy explanation, but if you had to describe it, only one term would suffice...
Sublime Awesomeness
You can read the post for yourself, but basically it discusses a certain genre of Indian action cinema and provides some sample clips. Mere seconds after clicking on the first clip, I recognized that I was witnessing something amazing.
It was a singular experience, to say the least. An alchemy of invigorating music, strange camera techniques, amusing facial expressions, bold sound effects and mustaches. In short, it was a transcendent burst of enlightenment sustained over a period of approximately two minutes (nearly four minutes counting the second clip).
Everyone is familiar with the image of the old wise man on the mountaintop. The traveler in search of wisdom climbs the mountain and asks, “What is the meaning of life?” While a rational answer seems eternally elusive, suppose the old man answered with a video clip. By definition the clip would defy explanation, but if you had to describe it, only one term would suffice...
Sublime Awesomeness
Friday, January 14, 2011
Bizarre Set Up Fail
In a breaking story from the agency covering the news that matters (TMZ), it appears that two rando paparazzi attempted to set up Gary Busey and failed hilariously.
Part one goes like this: randos call the cops and tell them that Busey is driving drunk. The cops then pull Busey over and determine that he is “perfectly sober”.
Judging by this fact, it is fairly evident that these people didn’t have good information. Apparently, they were just hoping that, at any given time, there is a significant chance that Gary Busey is driving drunk (which doesn’t sound that crazy now that I think about it).
Anyway, after the cops pulled Busey over, the paparazzi couple started taking pictures of the incident, the cops told them to stop, they didn’t and the cops arrested them for obstruction. Awesomely, the woman was also charged with possession of marijuana.
In conclusion, this story has an insightful and penetrating moral: if you make the wrong decision at every possible turn, something bad might happen. In other extremely important news, Martha Stewart was head-butted by her dog.
Part one goes like this: randos call the cops and tell them that Busey is driving drunk. The cops then pull Busey over and determine that he is “perfectly sober”.
Judging by this fact, it is fairly evident that these people didn’t have good information. Apparently, they were just hoping that, at any given time, there is a significant chance that Gary Busey is driving drunk (which doesn’t sound that crazy now that I think about it).
Anyway, after the cops pulled Busey over, the paparazzi couple started taking pictures of the incident, the cops told them to stop, they didn’t and the cops arrested them for obstruction. Awesomely, the woman was also charged with possession of marijuana.
In conclusion, this story has an insightful and penetrating moral: if you make the wrong decision at every possible turn, something bad might happen. In other extremely important news, Martha Stewart was head-butted by her dog.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Scientists Attempt to Foist More Tomfoolery Upon The General Public
In a previous post entitled The Milky Way is Blowing Bubbles, I explored the possibility that the scientific community at large, fueled by its collective megalomaniacal nerd-zeal, is proposing arbitrary and completely outlandish theories. While I already identified this proposition as nearly self-evident at the time, the supporting evidence is now piling up so high that to reject the assertion would be tantamount to rejecting a 6,000 year old earth.
I recently read a National Geographic headline proclaiming that a “glowing, green space blob [is] forming new stars”. I expected no less from these insufferable poindexters. In fact, as I read the article, it became apparent that I had actually set my expectations far too high.
It seems that this “green space blob” was “discovered” by a Dutch teacher. Anyone questioning my incredulity regarding this “discovery” would do well to note that the entire Dutch existence consists largely of fumbling around in a green haze. As such, it is clear that relating a few moments of this experience does not equate to a genuine discovery and it certainly doesn’t provide any evidence that a monster from a 50’s horror film is crapping out stars in some God-forsaken corner of the universe.
While the ridiculous claim of a new discovery seemed par for the course, the details are disappointing. First, the scientists said that “something” was blowing bubbles from the core of the Milky Way and now they offer the revelation that a “green blob” is forming stars. Why the reliance on these nebulous, vague phenomena? It seems that the scientists’ creativity is lagging far behind their audacity in this ongoing hoodwinking campaign...
I will report further offenses as they are perpetrated.
I recently read a National Geographic headline proclaiming that a “glowing, green space blob [is] forming new stars”. I expected no less from these insufferable poindexters. In fact, as I read the article, it became apparent that I had actually set my expectations far too high.
It seems that this “green space blob” was “discovered” by a Dutch teacher. Anyone questioning my incredulity regarding this “discovery” would do well to note that the entire Dutch existence consists largely of fumbling around in a green haze. As such, it is clear that relating a few moments of this experience does not equate to a genuine discovery and it certainly doesn’t provide any evidence that a monster from a 50’s horror film is crapping out stars in some God-forsaken corner of the universe.
The addition of the color green appears to be the only
creative embellishment attempted by the scientists.
While the ridiculous claim of a new discovery seemed par for the course, the details are disappointing. First, the scientists said that “something” was blowing bubbles from the core of the Milky Way and now they offer the revelation that a “green blob” is forming stars. Why the reliance on these nebulous, vague phenomena? It seems that the scientists’ creativity is lagging far behind their audacity in this ongoing hoodwinking campaign...
I will report further offenses as they are perpetrated.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Great Achievements in Government: al-Shabab Bans Mixed-Sex Handshakes
It appears that the Islamist group ruling over the town of Jowhar in Somalia has finally cracked down on mixed-sex handshakes. While I applauded al-Shabab’s previous ban on music, I worried that it was not enough. Thankfully, the group has come through with a firm and uncompromising measure that achieves maximum absurdity.
According to an article from the BBC, “men and women who are not related are also barred from walking together or chatting in public”. While some may have felt that the handshake ban was enough, I personally believe that these additional stipulations are essential to achieving maximum awkwardness and a meaningful reduction of natural human interaction.
The article states that the penalty for breaking the ban will “probably” be public flogging. While I’m certainly glad to see this penalty instituted, I had hoped for something more significant. I anticipated that al-Shabab might institute the death penalty or at least cut off the hands of offenders, and in fact the tentative language of the article suggests that one of these options may still be a possibility. However, even if al-Shabab passes on these options, it is good to know that there is a solid flogging penalty in place.
According to an article from the BBC, “men and women who are not related are also barred from walking together or chatting in public”. While some may have felt that the handshake ban was enough, I personally believe that these additional stipulations are essential to achieving maximum awkwardness and a meaningful reduction of natural human interaction.
The article states that the penalty for breaking the ban will “probably” be public flogging. While I’m certainly glad to see this penalty instituted, I had hoped for something more significant. I anticipated that al-Shabab might institute the death penalty or at least cut off the hands of offenders, and in fact the tentative language of the article suggests that one of these options may still be a possibility. However, even if al-Shabab passes on these options, it is good to know that there is a solid flogging penalty in place.
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